MY Top Ten EQ Conspiracy Theories

Updated: with the latest travesty from The Discovery.
Time warps, secret cover-ups, and mafia vendettas. I bet you never realized ElfQuest was this drukked up.

WOLFRIDER EUGENICS
There's a philosophy of the World of Two Moons that verges on bigotry. The Wolfriders are superior because they have the wolfblood (and thus their holier-than-thou mortality), to the point where elves constantly imply (or simply state) that the Wolfriders have more right to live on Abode than other elves. Taking this to extremes, what's to prevent Cutter from evicting all immortal elves off the planet, including Suntop? Well, we all know that Cutter never really liked him anyway. Well, it is very wolf-like to be xenophobic in the extreme, but aren't these elves supposed to be role-models?  Even Leetah is catching the fever when she twits Skywise about giving up his wolfblood. Who is Leetah to get high and mighty - she's not a Wolfrider! And what is with the Wolfrider obsession with Recognition? Somehow I don't think if Leetah had stayed in the Sun Village, she would have said that Pike wasn't "special" because he was born outside of Recognition? Since when the elves pull the "out of wedlock" card?
 

 
SUNSTREAM'S WACKY TIME TRAVEL ADVENTURE!
The publication of Discovery appears to have drukked up the EQ timeline beyond all redemption. Suddenly the many-time descendant of Grohmul Djun's torture of Darshek is in the distant past? Pips born years after the Shard War are now older than Sunstream? But in fact, there's a perfectly logical explanation. Sunstream took the Palace hundreds of years forward in time! One of those times he "went out", his spirit somehow travelled in the distant future to meet Brill. When he Recognized her, there was only one option - a secret time jump none of the other elves CAN EVER KNOW ABOUT!!! Because we know how pissed off Cutter gets about quantum theory. Notice how Sunstream quickly shoots down Nightfall's innocent (though horribly OOC) suggestion to time-jump to save Cutter. He knows either way Cutter'll be fine once they return to their time. Notice also how incredibly blasé Sunstream is about going home without his pregnant girlfriend. As far as he's concerned, she might not even be alive yet. And as long as he is ver-ry careful, no one will ever be the wiser.

NIGHTFALL'S EXPLOITS IN COSMETIC SURGERY
What happened to the cute slightly plump little sprite from Book One? She was short and pretty with brown hair and lots of baby-fat. Now she's this uber-muscled bunny with cheekbones that could cut glass and rock-hard... well, rock-hard everything. There isn't a shred of softness left on her. And it isn't just a normal aging process - the difference between Nightfall Book One and Book Two is striking enough. For that matter, why would anyone want it to be a normal aging process? She's bloody frightening now! I blame a failed facelift - five hundred years of wearing a bandana on too tight has made her look like a victim of botched plastic surgery. It also appears that she has been abusing hydroxy-cut or some other fat-burning supplement. Bad Nightfall. Didn't you read the label? Six pills a day - not sixty!
 

THE BLAND-IFACTION OF REDLANCE
Oh God! Redlance took some Nightfall's health supplements, but he took a wrong dose and now he's morphed into a Disney Dwarf with a problem retaining his body heat. To balance out his lifemate's bizarre changes, Redlance too is going through a midlife crisis. Remember the little kitten from Book One? Abs-baring vest and the cutest little face. But as early as Book Four on, he starts getting broader of face, broader of waist, broader of everything. Face-fur just about killed him. Now he's a garden gome in a turtle-neck and three-quarter sleeves! Honestly, baby, aren't you hot? Cutter is bare-chested, Nightfall is in a bikini-top. Redlance must have a serious metabolic disorder. See, kids? Don't do dietary supplements with the letter "X" in the brand-name.
 

BEARCLAW IS HIS OWN GRANDFATHER!!
Anyone else notice that guy cuddling up with Goodtree in Book Three? Doesn't he look kinda like Bearclaw? In fact, a lot like Bearclaw. Now, let's analyze this rationally. Goodtree had a son named Mantricker. He was Bearclaw's father. Mantricker looks nothing like either of Goodtree's lifemates. Lionleaper is beefy and butch, but he's a California blond. Acorn has Mantricker's hair, but he's a little weedy cutie-pie. Bearclaw, on the other hand, looks a lot like Mantricker. And someone who looks just like Bearclaw had sex with Goodtree (or at least fooled around - he's not wearing any clothes!). Ergo... Bearclaw obtained a time machine, travelled back over two thousand years, and sired his own father. Why, you may ask? Because, in an encounter with a magic mushroom, he learned that he travelled back over two thousand years and sired his own father. Once he learned this, he had find a time machine and complete the cycle, or otherwise he would vanish into thin air. But why did he start the cycle? Silly Elfies - might as well ask while the Pinis went within fifty feet of the Palace-time-warp fiasco.

EMBER'S SEX ED
Cutter and Leetah seem to be scheming to make Ember as sexually dysfunctional as possible. First Cutter nearly beats her black and blue because she challenges him, then asks Skywise to have sex with her to shut her up. Then Leetah just smirks happily as Mender escorts little Ember off for statutory rape (don't give me that "elves don't believe in that" - Ember is way too vulnerable to understand consent at that point. You don't have sex to raise your self-esteem - that's Sex Ed 101). Later, when Leetah realizes that Ember is in love with Teir (instead of Mender, whom Leetah is backing as a prospective son-in-law), she reverses her earlier good impression of Teir and decides he is evil. This sets Ember up for 13 years of hell, juggling her feelings for Teir and Mender without any guidance. And let's not forget how she brainwashed Ember to think of cubs born out of Recognition as equivalent to human "bastards." So now, even though she and Teir have finally worked things out, she doesn't want to have a cub outside of Recognition, even though half the tribe was born out of "true" Recognition (Teir, Pike, Sust, Tyleet, Krim and Yun.) Good work, parents - your plot succeeded.
 

BEWARE OF THE WRONG KIND OF WOMEN
Right. Now, at the risk of sounding like some old misogynist from the Bronze Age... does sex with the wrong girl drain a man's essense? This isn't as weird as it might sound, mind you. Look at Strongbow when he was a young man at the beginning of Wolfrider. He's sweet. He has a smooth oval jawline. He has subtle cheekbones. But he definitely looks like he's grownup - this isn't a kid, this is a twenty-year old. But then, look at him a hundred years later - well after he's hooked up with Moonshade. He's all angles. He has sweated away all his baby-fat. And he's a more snide and disillusioned. So did Bearclaw beat the cute idealism out of him? Or did Recognising Moonshade do something to him? Now consider Cutter. Before he consummated Recognition with Leetah, he was still very young and... well... virginal looking. I could like this guy (I mean, if he bathed regularly and left my Rayek alone). But seven years later he's all angles and sunken skin below his cheekbones. Just like Strongbow. This isn't normal elfin growth. Redlance never gets like that. Neither does Pike. Neither does Skywise. And when you think about it, Leetah and Moonshade are a lot alike. Both voluptuous. Both very bitchy when you rub them the wrong way. Both worship the ground their lifemates walk on. So... does joining with this kind of woman suck the youth out of a male elf? I think so. It's a given fact that sex with Winnowill makes you somewhat taller and temporarily insane, after all.

JINK
Who the hell is Jink? Almost all of the fascination with her surrounds her parentage. A lot of people think she's Skywise and Timmain's daughter, but I just can't see that working. She doesn't look much like either of them. We see the back of her father in Future Quest and it sure as hell looks like Cutter. I've heard it said it might be Suntop, but I seriously doubt Suntop would be dressed like that. So... is her mother Timmain or Leetah? She doesn't have Sun Folk skin by any means, but she's way too... voluptuous to be Timmain's daughter. And um... too... shall we say "promiscuous" besides. I've never seen Timmain get in on threesomes. So did Cutter and Leetah get to have another child? Does that mean Jink has wolfblood? And what does Ember think of her supposed little sister? I expect really messed-up family reunions.

 
 
PIKE'S TERRIBLE SECRET 
Poor Pike - he has to be the most victimized elf out there. He lost his mother (we don't even know her name), his father Rain, his sister Rainsong, his possibly-brother Shale, his nephew Wing, two lovemates, Crescent and Vaya, his son Cheipar, and his lifemate Skot. And right now the storyline of the Wild Hunt makes me wonder if Krim is going to get herself in trouble and get exiled or killed or something. Why is Pike being targetted like this? My theory is: Pike knows something. He knows where the body of Don Corleone is buried. He knows that Bearclaw once went into a gay troll strip club. He has the One Ring hidden in his hair tufts.
    Well, that makes sense. He is more of a hobbit than a Wolfrider.
    Somehow, he can't be killed by the Abodean Mafia. But the Mafia is taking out their frustrations on his family. Everytime the enforcers think that Pike might be a flight risk, another elf is mysteriously murdered. Pike can't join a witness protection program, or Sust will be next.
 
OF TIMMAIN AND WOLF-FRIENDS
Timmain is one weird chick. I am still not entirely certain that she didn't induce the trolls to rebel on the Palace just so she could strand the High Ones back in the past and conduct anthropology studies on them all. And I ask you. Did Timmain will Starjumper's death, so she could step in and become Skywise's wolf-friend? Isn't a little odd that Starjumper lost to a jackwolf he should have torn to drukking shreds about five minutes before Timmain strolled in to take over? Somehow I don't think Skywise will want to Recognize her so badly should this conspiracy theory prove out. And on that, I can't possibly see how they'll Recognize, what will all the hints Warp is dropping. Fall in love maybe (eww) but a Recognition between those two would have to be the greatest anti-climax ever! I think Timmain ought to Recognize Pool... or Treestump! Now that would be a surprising plot twist!
 


 BONUS - MORE CONSPIRACY FOR YOUR MONEY
THE X-CHROMOSOME FILES
Now, this is one that can't really be a true conspiracy theory unless we include the Blood of Ten Chiefs anthologies (which aren't technically canon). But we all love those stories, so here we go. There is a disturbing trend in the history of ElfQuest of killing off older sisters to famous people. In the comics we have Dart's sister Crescent, and Scouter's unnamed older sister. This alone does not make a trend. But let's consider the Blood of Ten Chiefs anthologies.  Preypacer's older sister disappears. Two-Spear's older sister Dove (who everyone agreed would be a better chief than either him or Skyfire) dies. Skyfire's first child, and Freefoot's older sister, dies or leaves the tribe and disappears. Goodtree's first child Speedwell, the elder sister of Mantricker, dies. See a pattern. It's damned creepy. In theory, we could have had an almost all-female line of chiefs. So why did all these women die? Obviously Two-Spear (one of the greatest misogynists out there) is not really dead, but has been steadily killing off every single one of these girls in suspicious circumstances. Ember better watch her back, especially if she and Teir have a baby girl at the end of the current Wild Hunt series.
 

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