T'Was the Night Before Christmas - The ElfQuest Remix  
 
 

T'was the night before Christmas, when deep in the holt
Cutter sprang up from his bed like a lightning bolt.
His stockings weren’t hung by the oak tree with care,
And yet old St Nicholas soon would be there.
“My Leetah forgot,” the old wolf chief, he said,
“We must set our traps before we go to bed,
“Or else St Nick will forget and pass us by.
“No Christmas action figures? I’ll surely die!”

When out on the grass there arose such a clatter,
The elf sprang from bed to see what was the matter.
Out of the den, and down onto the lawn,
Before he remembered he had no clothes on.
The moons on the breast of the new fallen snow,
The poor elf was freezing – it was twenty below!
When, what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver manning the car,
By Bearclaw’s beard, it was little Ekuar.

“You’re St. Nick?” Cutter managed to gasp,
Now dreaming of bright new toys within grasp.
Ekuar shrugged and gave the wolf-chief a smile.
“It’s nice to escape the old folk’s home, once in a while.
“You see, come winter the place is not much fun.
“Picknose and Savah have left to bask in the sun.
“Timmain’s flown south too, it’s being said.
“She’s off with a cabana boy from Club Med.
“So I moonlight as Santa, and hand out the toys
“To my favorite younglings, all the girls and the boys.”

And Cutter grit his teeth and forced a grin,
Though he felt nothing below his frozen shins.
“That’s great for you, pops, and your rhyming is pleasant.
“But damn it to hell, where is my present?”
“Just you be patient,” the santa-Ekuar teased.
“I have here for you something with which you’ll be pleased.
“A rare gift indeed,” he said with a tap to his nose.
“In fact I think – my word, son, where are your clothes?”

 “Oh, that,” Cutter's face did burn with a blush.
“You see... I happened to be in a rush.
“My wife forgot to pin stockings to tree,
“And well, I didn’t want you to forget about me.”

And he simpered and then lowered his eyes
And Ekuar was won over – what a surprise.
“What a charming young lad you are, my Tam,
“I’m touched by your honesty, really, I am.
His eyes – how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
Why, he was a cheerful, guillible dreamberry.
Cutter rubbed his hands and his eyes seemed to shine.
“Those presents,” he whispered, “are practically mine!”

Ekuar reached into his sack and rummaged around,
Humming and mumbling, he set the bag to the ground.
“We have cosmetics for Leetah and chocolates for Pike.
“For Clearbrook shampoos and sprays and the like.
“And here, underneath Treestump’s Christmas ham,
“A little package, addressed to young Tam.”
Cutter seized the gift and clutched it to his breast.
“My Megatron Zord 3000 – at last I can rest!”

And Ekuar smiled so sweetly, then sprang to his sleigh,
And with a the jingling of bells, the reindeer were away!
Cutter sat in the snow and tore the wrapping apart,
And as the present fell open he felt a weight fall on his heart.
It was no Megatron, it was no Zord.
It was a sexy black negligee, trimmed in lace and gold cord!
And Cutter threw back his head and howled with such rage.
Like a broken-hearted beast locked away in a cage.
“For this I sprang from bed and sundered my nap?
“What the hell am I going to do with this crap?

“I don’t want a little black teddy trimmed with gold cord!”
“I want my 3 K 'Tron Battle Zord!”
And his screams of pain rose high into the snow-filled air.
Drifting on the winds towards a Worldpool somewhere.

T’was the morning of Christmas, in the Alternaverse.
And Swift stared down at her present and mumbled a curse.
“I know Santa’s a busy man,” she said with a hiss.
“But how can he make a mistake as bad as this?
“I asked for a black negligee to entice my man,
“Instead I get a hunk of cheap plastic in a silver can.
“What is a Battle Zord?” she asked with voice so tired.
“And what do you mean – Some Assembly Required?!”

And so we come to an end of this EQ Christmas tale,
I know some of the verse went beyond the pale.
And as I hide from both Tams, now spoiling for a fight.
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”